A window into the soul...

"Maybe your soul is at sake." I was told this in a recent conversation regarding this transition from Texas to Princeton and how I still feel alone at times. "Maybe your soul is still in Corpus Christi." Maybe it's still in Texas. This stuck me as an interesting comment to make. I don't usually hear people talking about their souls these days so it took me off guard a little. As I have thought about this more I think there is truth in the statement. I love Princeton and I think this is where God wants me, but there are times when my soul is not at rest. It longs for my Texas people. It longs for things and people in Texas that I need to let go of and others that I shouldn't and won't let go of. I don't know what to do about this. If my soul is resistant to this change, it's no wonder I have days where I don't want to socialize, I don't want to speak to people, and yet, simulataneously, I am aching to socialize and speak to people. Around the same time of this quoted comment I just finished reading Books 8 and 9 of Augustine's Confessions and it really made an impression on me. I journaled about it...here's an excerpt...

......Why has the soul been ignored for so long? I don’t even know what my soul is. What the hell? What is wrong with the American Christianity where I can grow up in church for 23 years and not know what my soul is?! Yet, I can feel it screaming inside of me. It’s what makes me tear up and cry. It’s what feels so alone. So empty. But shouldn’t Christ fill my soul? Does this mean that I really don’t know Christ? Is He not a part of all of my life like I hoped he was? Alone and wondering. I am reminded of Augustine’s Confessions, “What accusations against myself did I not bring? With what verbal rods did I not scourge my soul so that it would follow me in my attempt to go after you! But my soul hung back. It refused, and had no excuse to offer. The arguments were exhausted, and all had been refuted. The only thing left to it was a mute trembling, and as if it were facing death it was terrified of being restrained from the treadmill of habit by which it suffered ‘sickness unto death’ (John 11:4)”. He is speaking of his resistance to conversion and I don’t know what I am resisting. Resisting myself? Can you do that? Maybe I have a sense for the huge mess that I am and I don’t really want to get to the bottom of it even though I know it will help me in the end....“The body obeyed the slightest inclination of the soul to move the limbs at its pleasure more easily than the soul obeyed itself, when its supreme desire could be achieved exclusively by the will alone.” “‘Why are you relying on yourself, only to find yourself unreliable? Cast yourself upon him, do not be afraid. He will not withdraw himself so that you fall. Make a leap without anxiety; he will catch you and heal you.’”.....

So there ya go.